


Illogical

by queenofroses12



Series: Whumptober Star Trek [2]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Aftermath, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied Slash, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Talking To Dead People, Whumptober 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:07:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27230077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofroses12/pseuds/queenofroses12
Summary: Kirk, after Spock's death in Wrath of Khan.  Response to Whumptober Prompt No. 19, Broken Hearts : Grief/Mourning the Loved One's Death.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock, James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock
Series: Whumptober Star Trek [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1982605
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	Illogical

I guess you’d say this is illogical.

I guess it is, but… Humans tend to do illogical things quite a lot. You know that. Knew that. Knew. It’s going to be tough, getting used to speaking about you in the past tense. I don’t think I’m going to ever get used to that. I don’t think I want to.

Illogical.

Again.

Illogical to sit here, in your quarters, the temperature and gravity turned up to Vulcan norms, the way you left it. I sneaked in here, you know. Don’t want Bones to find out. I don’t want to explain. Not to a friend, not to a doctor.

Bones has been trying to get me to talk. I did, okay? I had to. As much for his sake as for mine.

He.. he cared, okay? For all the arguments, all the verbal sniping, he cared. Cared a lot. I guess you knew that, too. You sure knew everything else…

I didn’t want to talk to him, though, the way I used to after all the missions that went wrong. I couldn’t talk about this. Not even to Bones. The only person I want to talk to about your death is you. How illogical is that?

I can almost imagine you here. Sitting opposite me, the chessboard between us. I haven’t packed away the chessboard. Our last game is still set on it, the one we didn’t get time to finish.

I will get around to packing it away, I will get around to packing your stuff away. Pack it away to take back to Vulcan. To your parents. Do Vulcans keep souvenirs of the dead? Your mother would want it, anyway…

I will get around to packing. Not right now. This is too soon. One more day. Or two more. Pretending you will come through those doors again.

That time in the Amerind planet, remember? (Of course you do, you never forget…) I came back to find everything in my cabin just as I had left it, perfectly clean, freshened. Actually a bit cleaner than I had left it. those two months…Did you come sit in my cabin like I am doing now? No, I don’t think so… Privacy, decorum..

Plus, you were sure I was coming back, that you will find a way to bring me back..And you did, of course. Despite what every one thought, you did. And when I came back aboard, you had everything ready for me, everything perfect.

Can’t reciprocate, can I? You…You’ve gone somewhere I can’t bring you back from, can’t call you back from. All I can do is to attend to all the dumb, mundane stuff involved in dealing with a death… Can’t let some yeoman do that. And can’t let Saavick do that, either. She offered. But this is sort of my job.

Speaking of Saavick, that is one awesome kid, okay? Captain material one day. I can tell. You never told me much about her. I suppose you wouldn’t have told, even if we had more time, because it isn’t your story to tell.

The letter was the hardest to write. Telling your parents… You were really young, weren’t you? By Vulcan standards…The average lifespan for your folk is about two hundred, isn’t it? The way you were about physical fitness, you probably had even more years to expect…A century and a half more, at the very least. Still Young Adult, by that standard. Like so many of the others who Khan’s vengeance took.. 

I’ve lost count of how many such letters I have had to write, through the years. It never gets easier. And this… I told them in person. Placed a subspace call. They were owed at least that much. You were owed at least that much.

Nah, I’m not gonna start thinking about that now. I’ll start crying again, and Bones has a sixth sense in detecting stuff like that.

He thinks I’m having nightmares, going by how I look first thing in the morning. He’s afraid I am not sleeping properly. I guess he thinks dreams take me right back to that…Back to looking in through the glass shields while you..

No.

I revisit that scene only when I am awake. The dreams... They aren’t nightmares. In the dreams, you are here. Still aboard, well and whole.

The dreams are all about everyday stuff.

Just sitting here, chatting. Playing a game of chess. I am refereeing between you and Bones. Or hanging about in the Science labs in an off duty hour, watching you work. Or working out in the gym. Normal stuff. That’s always what hurts the most. The little things. The things that catch you off guard.

The dreams are never nightmares. The nightmare is when I wake up. When I wake up, thinking that you will be there, for a moment or two it all feels okay… Then I remember. That’s the nightmare. That moment when it hits me. That you are gone. That there won’t be any more chats, chess games, sparring sessions.

That is what puts that pasty pale expression on my face, the expression that worries Bones so much. Not the dreams, waking up to find that they are dreams. Illogical.

I don’t think I can explain that to Bones. I don’t think he would get it, if I tried. I’ll only end up worrying him more. So, like always, I come to talk to you. Even if you aren’t here anymore.

Khan did make good on his promise, you know, at least partly. He did worse than kill me, he did tear part of me away… The part I left with you, out there, wherever you are. Don’t pretend to misunderstand, we both know you aren’t anywhere near literal minded as you pretend to be.

Damn it. Crying again. I swore I wouldn’t end up blubbering away this time. Sorry, okay? I’ll..I’ll try to be more calm. More logical.

What was it you used to say when we were discussing deaths? (We discussed it too many times, didn’t we? But never this close to home.)

Vulcans do not mourn a death. Not unless it is a life wasted. Yours most certainly wasn’t wasted. Not your life, not your death. The farthest from wasted. So I shouldn’t mourn… You wouldn’t…Hell, I am not Vulcan. I can’t help but mourn.

Calm, James T. Stop babbling. 

_“Do not grieve…”_

You were blinded, dying where you stood, radiation eating you from inside out. And still, when I called out for you, you somehow managed to get to your feet, managed to come as near as you could, tried to comfort me, tried to assure me it wasn’t my fault. You were dying, and still you were the one doing the comforting. 

I’m..I’m going to take that ground posting, did I tell you that? Not going to fight Command on that this time. I don’t think I can come out here, up here, without you.

Cowardly?

May be. I don’t know. Bones is telling me not to make any hasty decisions, but.. I really don’t know, Spock. I think the ground posting may be better. I didn’t do too well this time, did I? Later. Decide later. If they give me a choice, that is.

I can almost see you raising your eyebrow, your head tilted a little to one side like a curious cat’s, wondering at human illogic.

Wish you were here, Spock.

Are you? Do Vulcans believe in afterlife? Heaven and Hell? (No doubt where you are headed, if they do exist… Wonder whether I’ll get a pass? At least a visiting visa?)

It’s a bit…not a bit, a lot…unsettling, how little I know about you. I think I am the only human with whom you have chosen to share at least this much, but I am still surprised just how little it is. All the times we sat here, or in my quarters, talking…I did almost all of the talking, didn’t I? And the few times you took the lead, you were answering something I asked…

Was it that you really were content to listen? Or just that I never gave you the chance to talk? That I just took up way too much of the time we had… And still left so much unsaid. So much. You are always so quiet…

Were! Were, were, were.

Got to get used to this. Got to, damn it. Do I have to, though? You didn’t… back there…

_“I have been, and always shall be, your friend..”_

You did – do – believe something comes after, don’t you? I guess I do, too. We – all the Deep Space crews – have seen too many strange things to deny the possibility of that belief. There is something more out there. There has to be. You…You can’t be gone. Not completely. Not forever. I will hold on to that.

That last promise. It was a promise, the way you said it. And you said it so matter-of-factly, didn’t you? Like you said everything else.

_“Live long and prosper…”_

A parting phrase, a goodbye, a request, too. Live long and prosper. Not sure I can, Spock. Not sure I want to.

No, don’t worry, I am not suicidal. I won’t do that to Bones, Scotty, all the others. Besides, if I did do that… I can imagine the way you would look at me when we meet out there. Not angry, you will never be angry, just…disappointed.

I won’t let you down again.

Am I letting you down now, babbling like this? Are you looking at me now, disappointed at my illogical reaction? I don’t really think so. Yes, you may be watching, I can sort of feel you watching from wherever you are (you are somewhere – I know that), but I don’t think you disapprove. You understood way more about human emotion than you let on. Especially when you were arguing with Bones.

Damn, Bones!

He’ll be coming to my quarters in a couple of minutes, I asked him to meet me there for tea. I…I better hurry now. Can’t let him see me like this. You were…are…the only one before whom I could take of the Captain Persona. The only one before whom I could cry..

Stay with me, Spock. A little while longer. Please, just a little while. Let me get through this. Let me get off the ship without breaking down. That’s easier if I can feel you there, feel you watching. Feel that you are right where you always stood. Just stay a little while longer.

Please.


End file.
